News I want to be excited about Apple Intelligence — but this makes it impossible

Totally agree! I've been telling everyone not to buy iPhone 16 because by the time full AI is available, the 16 will be more than halfway through its original launch cycle. Wait till the 17. Or, if you have a 15Pro/Max, you're all set with no need to upgrade to a new device and there's no major improvements over the 16!
 
I understand that Apple has been advertising its AI with the iPhone 16, but still I never directly associate a new iPhone version with the updates to iOS. While they have _some_ interdependencies, they are largely separate things with their own evolution path. I updated my 13 pro not because of AI (per se) but because I was ready for a variety of other improvements and oh, by the way, I can run any new AI stuff when it comes out. I don't wait for the iPhone 17 because I wanted the phone improvements now (especially satellite connectivity for when emergencies when in remote areas). All software from all companies dribbles out features over time -- that's just the way it is. Be patient.