Opinion: 70% of Teens Hide Online Behavior from Parents, And How I Feel About It

[dalethepcman]

Bottom line, the Internet is a privilege, not a right.

The world disagrees with you... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_access#Access_as_a_human_right

I think the definition of "Risky" is needed to make any sense of this. For me "life threatening" is important, posting a picture of yourself smoking a pot pipe, underage drinking, or showing your boobies, while potentially embarrassing effects you how much in the long run?

Which president of the United States over the last 20 years has not openly admitted to using drugs when they were a child. If you can do "A little cocaine" and still become president, I don't think posting a picture of you slamming down a Budweiser when your 18 is going to ruin your life.

Explain the things that can bring physical harm to your children or your property (don't post, "gone to Disneyland for a week with the whole family" or "Parent's left, home alone for the weekend"), and explain that anything posted on the internet (especially facebook) lasts forever.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger.

 

[g-thor]

When the going gets tough, the tough turn into their parents.

You chose a difficult topic here, as shown by the comments above. I think you gave a noble effort, and I sense a degree of frustration in it - but then, you are a parent.

While I don't agree with you on every point, that may be because in such a short article you don't have the space to go into detail. For example, we don't know the history between you and your teens, and that is a part of the whole. That said, I do see your points on other things, as well as those from other posters who disagree with you.

All you can do, as a parent, is your personal best. If parents compare themselves to others, you will always find someone who does things better (in your opinion) and thus feel badly, possibly discouraged enough to quit trying, or you will find those who don't do as well as you and so figure what you're doing is good enough. However, parents can develop themselves, continue to learn and grow and so be better people, and thus better parents.

Parenting is the eternal challenge because there is no one way that works. Why do I say that? Because children are people and people are variable. A big variable. And both the parents and the teens (or children at any age) introduce that "trump-all" wildcard, emotions - usually right where they shouldn't.

It is no easy thing. We will all make bad choices. Perhaps the best parents can do is to show their children that, when you have made a bad choice, you can pick yourself up, try and fix things and move on.

As a side note - disagreeing with you does not equal flaming you.

 

[eddieroolz]

I think teens hid their behavior from parents long long before the advent of internet...

 

[jakjawagon]

"Additionally, 36-percent of teens have accessed sexual topics online, such as STD’s and issues on pregnancy, with more females than males doing so."

Because god forbid our teens learn about safe sex.

 

[HDmac]

Obvious marketing ploy is Obvious.

The internet can be a dangerous place, and allowing teens to run free in a virtual new frontier seemingly run by hackers is just downright insane.

Its a series of digital information and websites...... not a drug den in the middle of WW3

This article is ridiculous, the author is ridiculous and McAfee is ridiculous. Besides, 50% of statistics are made up anyway.

 

[thecolorblue]

all hail dictator dad

 

[f-14]

[citation][nom]K2N hater[/nom]Bet McAfee just made this research to sell a new product.[/citation]
good catch it is about that time of year where new product rolls out

 

[CaedenV]

I don't have a teen yet, but they are on their way.
I agree with the article. The internet is a privileged, not a right. Just like food is a privileged, and not a right. Does that mean you withhold the internet (or food ) entirely? Nope, while not a right, it is oddly a requirement of life much like food is. They don't get full access to the whole internet, just as they do not get full access to all the junk food in the world. Homework, communication, and entertainment are all online these days, and so there is a need for internet access just to get by in day-to-day life.
However, kids get limited user access, with filtering, and webpage logs emailed to me (and possibly limits on time access). If I do not get user-names and passwords to the websites they view, then the website gets blocked. Am I going to be a prick and check every single posting, on every single site, every day? No way! I have a life, and I believe in having a fairly long leash on my kids, and that responsibility breeds trust and maturity. There must be a leash long enough to allow for failure, but not so long that they can run rampant on any whim of an indulgence, or that they can shirk other responsibilities.
So yes, as every good dictator/parent I want full access, and full ability to shut down their little worlds. But the exercise of such authority is an entirely different matter. If I am ever forced to act on it then I would be much more worried about what brought us to that point in the first place.

 

[s3anister]

[citation][nom]tlm man[/nom]How is any of this alarming? Teens do things that they don't want their parents to know about, online and offline. I'd wager this has been true since the beginning of time; it's human nature.Also, these statistics seem grossly off-base. Only 32% of teens have ever accessed porn but 15% have the skills to hack social networking accounts?? As long as metrics such as these are compiled voluntarily (through surveys), they can never be trusted. If teens are hiding their behavior from their own parents, what makes you think they aren't going to hide it from your studies as well? I can change every single percentage in this article and it would sound just as believable.And what's so bad about researching sexual topics online? Would you rather your child actively educate themselves about STDs and pregnancy online or go out into the real world and experience it for themselves firsthand?Any self-respecting parent should expect their teen is going to hide things from them, pretending otherwise is just mind-numbingly ignorant. That's the way teens (and humans in general) are, and acting like it's the end of the world and punishing your teen for it is the very reason they hide it from you in the first place.[/citation]
I'd just like to add that when I was in high school (I'm in my mid 20's now) computer prevalence was booming and as such they were handing us questionnaires/surveys and the l like every time our Advisory class met to gather information, needless to say, I didn't know a single person that didn't either outright lie or subtly lie on the surveys to skew the results.

 

[teh_chem]

I disagree with the tone of this opinion piece, but I also fully intend to implement some controls over what my children can do with home computer(s)--mainly to avoid aggravating dealings with malware and such things. I don't want my kid's ignorant computer practices to leave me in danger of keyloggers and such.

I don't know how I feel about preventing kids from accessing content. It's not like preventing them from knowing about it actually protects them from anything. The best way to deal with it is to deal with it, not ignore it. If they happen upon something, and choose to discuss it with you, then discuss it. If you as a parent feel something is important to talk about with your kid, then hopefully your relationship is mature enough where you can talk about it openly and properly.

Setting seemingly arbitrary limits on what they can view with a home computer is silly. And it's naive to think that asking for your kids email/social networking account logins is doing anything. Email (so far) is not regulated to sign-up for, and neither are social media accounts. How simple is it to give you their login info for one account, but keep a second or third account hidden from you entirely? All you're doing by demanding their "private" info is showing them that you do not trust them. Bad idea entirely.

Trust is the best way to foster respect from your children, which is consequently the best way to have mature children become mature adults.

 

[Ephebus]

It's pretty clear to me from this pathetic article that Mr. Parrish is unable to establish a relationship of trust with his children. My advice is to seek professional help (for you, Mr. Parrish, not your children).

 

[f-14]

kevin, you need to stop trying to shelter your children and start educating your children how to protect themselves.
removing choices from them is not a good way. they aren't babies any more, they have the capacity to understand, it is up to you to find a good viable way to teach and show them the choices and the consequences for those choices.
i have found when i remove freedom it only spurns rebellion and deliberate willful disregard into reckless abandonment into what ever it is you are choosing to deprive them off.
kids are alot smarter than you think, you just have to recognize which level they are at and present things to them in a way they can understand that is reasonable.
even if you think your child is bad alot of times they do it just to prove to you they can do it, not because they want to do it. you'll be surprised at the good choices your kids will make if you give them the opportunity after telling/showing them the real life consequences and quit sheltering them.
when your children have demonstrated their good decision making enough you can just give them free will as long as they follow a set of working and reasonable parameters to stay within the guildlines.
yes they are going to break the rules and push the boundaries. yes, expect them to do so. mistakes will be made, sometimes it's the only way people can/will learn and grow from them.
tell them what your response will be ahead of time and why.
a HUGE part of why children don't tell their parents about the mistakes or naughtiness they do is out of fear of what you will do if left to their own imaginations and knowing what you WILL do is enough to keep them from doing it provided you follow thru with the action you stated. as long as you promise them to help them and be reasonable/appropriate, they will be more forthright with you.

it is better to have your children more prepared should you drop dead of a heart attack tomorrow and will save you more peace of mind knowing they are ready and able to handle ALL of lifes challenges on their own.

now, if you happen to have that bad apple or want to put the fear of god into them, seek out people who have made those bad mistakes and learned from it, and ask them to tell your children about it and show your children what will happen to them should they choose to continue with their behavior. i have found the internet is a great tool for showing children what each kind of behavior gets you from people all over the world and how fortunate they are not to have to learn it the hard way for themselves today.

the nazi approach to removing choice from them is best saved for prisons as a weapon of last resort lest they become too acclimated to such freedomless life. children do figure out pretty quick when you have nothing left to lose there is very little reason not to risk doing something.

generally a child will let you know when they are ready to handle more by fighting you for greater freedoms or trying to circumvent activities around you or without your knowledge.
key logger or web history snoopers are great for finding that out unless your one of those parents who never notices when things are going to well and too quiet for too long.

as far as porn and booze go, the less you know the more you're curiosity will thirst for it, the more acclimated to something, the less likely and infrequently you are to make wild, brash, stupid decisions that lead to big mistakes from what i have observed of people from all over the world and how they grew up.

i'm much more inclined to let a child learn what ever they want to know about sex online and loosely supervised than on their own in a bed with some one, and if online 'entertainment' keeps them from the up close and in person for as long as possible before becoming a grand parents or std's and other diseases being spread i'd be happier to be less worried and paranoid of the things we did when we were teens.
my road of life was less bumpy than most. i and others have attributed that to friends/family/people we knew that had things worse and were sign posts on the road of life as to what not to do and what to do.
i had a parent who did this for me while the other parent was always a nazi i understood and frequnetly disobeyed because they were always trying to tell me i could not do anything rather than teaching me wether or not i could do a thing and why i should or should not do such a thing. if you want your kid to be a dumb little drone that does as they are told, be the nazi control freak, your child will be less likely to ever be able to live with out dependence on you to do anything into their adult life.
if you want your child to do great things, and not need you to pave their way thru life, let them learn even if you can see they are going to make mistakes, teach them, not control them and they will be able to think and act for themselves. all you have to do is observe and encourage them to try and be ready to catch them when they fall/fail. children and adults love you more for that. it is so very hard to do, just keep in mind if you don't let them, you will always have to take care of them that much more for so much longer and probably in a very unsafe way on their own with out you and you'll find it gets a little bit more off that great weight on your mind.
that and sometimes it can be hilariously funny how well they learn more often than the frighteningly scary. but the frighteningly scary is what you want THEM, to want YOU around for.

 

[pacioli]

[citation][nom]f-14[/nom]kevin, you need to stop trying to shelter your children and start educating your children how to protect themselves.removing choices from them is not a good way. .[/citation]

Preventing children from participating in illegal activities is not called sheltering it is called parenting. Any parent that knowingly allows the children in their care to participate in illegal activities should not be allowed the privilege of raising children.

Good work Kevin. Excellent job at being a real father!

 

[ashesofempires04]

So many statistics in one article, so much fear mongering. Seriously, anyone who thinks that they have half a clue what their child does when they aren't watching them like a hawk is a deluded moron. The difference between good parenting and bad, is a good parent knows that looking at wierd shit online is just as likely to distort a child's character as watching TV was when the parent was a teenager.

Good parents taught their children morals and ethics well enough to know that their child isn't going to do the illegal thing, and decent parents know that even if their kid does fuck up, it's not the end of the world. Bad parents do everything in their power to prevent their children from having to make those difficult choices, hobbling their ability to make harder ones when they are adults, and shitty parents blame their children for their own failure to let the kids operate as anything other than an extension of the parent's will.

 

[jimmyjohnz]

I'm personally 18 now, been using the internet since I was around 10 years old. I believe the internet is not just a privilege, but a right, and thankfully my father had the same idea. He was very open with computer usage, teaching me the basics as well as frequently downloading games for me to try out. Then I got into online games including MMO's. He never had to worry about my online activities though, because he had already educated me on what my limits should be.

When I turned 14, I got my own laptop. The only thing he did was install AV software and tell me to be careful. I'm still on this laptop today, never had a virus, never been hacked or at risk. The only reason for that is because of how my dad handled my education on the internet. If he had restricted me, I'd probably have been a lot less knowledgeable about the various subjects I'm interested in. If he had completely ignored my changing habits, I'd probably be less educated and have a dead laptop.

Basically, my opinion is don't limit your children because you think they'll mess up. Educate them the best you can and cross your fingers because messing up is part of life.

 

[alidan]

[citation][nom]lamorpa[/nom]As a parent, you always have the ability to set the level of lying your teens will do. Have lots of restrictive, mistrustful rules and you can get a lot of lying (and don't fool yourself you won't be able to know in most cases), or openness and empowerment and you'll get less lying. Is it better to shield them from the world (and not let them get any experience in how to deal with it) or experience their learning with them?[/citation]

my favorite thing my parents did was make me look them in the eyes when i was lieing... the trick is to let that method work with minor things, make them think you only do minor bad things, but when it comes to something bigger, dont act nervous at all. sure the first few times you try to get away with it are a bit hard, but after you realize you tricked them, and you have to fake it for the small things, it gets FAR easier.

[citation][nom]DjScribbles[/nom]Teen starts at 13, and includes girls which are a (I presume) less likely to access.+1 to D_Kuhn. You can't prevent your kid from making bad choices, because at some point you have to make bad choices, it's how you learn to make good ones. Keep them safe, out of legal trouble, and free of addictions; try to control too much and you are as likely to get the opposite effect of what you are hoping for.[/citation]

actually just as likely, but they just refuse to admit it. i can guarantee that at the very least in my school more girls watched porn than boys. granted most of them not for the same reasons as boys, but more watched it than boys.

 

[ojas]

That's cool man.

I mean seriously. I was reading this article and going like, "did that, did that did that..."...i'm talking from the teenager's point of view btw

And hey i turned out ok. I mean i'm 19, can watch all the crap on the internet i like, but i regulate myself. Most of the time i rather play BF3 than watch some random porno stuff.

Anyway. I think the number of ppl who've watched porn b/w 13 and 19 must be at least 90% for guys and 60% for girls.

Also, how is reading about sex and related stuff a bad thing? ffs people have so many misconceptions it's amazing. especially girls. Heck i think you're more likely to get into trouble in real life by NOT researching stuff online.

Lol i think my surfing habits are far safer than my parents. I'm almost paranoid about privacy and security at times. And i've not had any monitoring at all. Sure mom still thinks the most nudity i've seen is a bikini-clad model, dad's probably assumed the worst.

And i used to be uncomfortable talking about sex with my parents. Either too direct or too awkward, thinking i don't know what i'm talking about/i don't know anything. Sometimes i used to pretend. "Circumcision? What's that?". Much better now but still feels odd. At least dad assumes i know so that's cool.

So yeah Parrish, your parenting methods seem just about as crappy as McAfee's antivirus.

 

[amuffin]

I'm 14 as of right now, and my history consists of: Tom's Hardware, Tom's Hardware Forums, and Facebook.

 

[Pyree]

I'm 14 as of right now, and my history consists of: Tom's Hardware, Tom's Hardware Forums, and Facebook.

Should try out things (nothing dangerous or illegal). If I can be 14 again, I will totally do things in a different way.

 

[andover]

I read most of the opinions about the article and i must say i do agree with all of them disagreeing with you. You started your article with: I did this things, I know and I've been there, you basically saying that you could experience your decisions but your kids can't, because you KNOW that is bad, but how will you educate your kid about right and wrong if they dont even know the feel of it?
He will do what is wrong liking you or not, near you or not, in the same way you did with your parents, but just offline, humanity just took their nature and applied them online, its the same people in the old days just with different ways.
The part where you wrote about the sex search just blew my mind, if you expect that your children will learn about sex with you or with her/his first and last boyfriend/girlfriend and just after marriage with innocent sex its insane. like you said, this is downright insane.
Its my opinion, but if you expect your children to live you have to let this things go.
You could have your "freedom" but your children cant? Madness.