'Personally, I'd rather have one of the new, refreshed Transformer Primes'
For me, the only legitimate reason for actually thinking that is having not tried both of them, or just being anti-Apple. I think there is no comparison. As previously stated, even anti-Apple fans are usually honest enough to say that. I guess because you 'really, really' hate an Ecosystem in which your less-than-2-year-old-phone actually receives updates, allows you more security when downloading apps due to at least the semblance of quality control, which causes no problems whatsoever and doesn't prevent you doing anything you actually want to do with a phone, that makes you a little biased. If Apple brought out a Transformer Prime, and Asus brought out an iPad 2 - if your honest you know which you'd pick.
'While you may only care about what's shiniest and fastest, I care about other things'
Actually, I care about hundreds of things, don't pretend to know why I bought my phone. The difference is, all of mine are practical. I want an almost industry leading camera, I want better battery life than Android phones. I want to be able to multi task without the whole phone slowing down. I want to be able to watch Sky Sports on my phone and by proxy, on any television to which I can WIRELESSLY stream the picture. I want access to the biggest app library there is for mobile phones, but I also want to ensure that it is secure and that the Apps actually have to go through an approval process. I don't want to waste hours of my valuable time installing new 'roms' and thereby voiding my warranty or take it further and illegally download apps for free. I also appreciate that for anybody who uses any apps on the iphone 4S, they can clearly be enhanced by having the best CPU/GPU combination, which speeds up EVERYTHING on the phone. Specifically, things load faster, it feels smoother, it never lags, and it's actually capable of playing modern games. Unlike any of the Android handsets, which have to have games designed to run at the lower performance level - the quality obviously suffering. I want to have the option to use a voice control software which actually works - the best of its type, fully integrated into the handset.
All of which Android doesn't do.
'Can you turn your 4S into a 4G hotspot with a single touch?'
http/support.apple.com/kb/HT3574 (I am making an assumption that you want another device to be able to use the internet - the most useful case)
'Can you replace the kernel with one more suited to your needs?'
Because the 'kernel' which comes with iPhones already works, doesn't contain so much bloatware and slow browsers like Android does, there is no need to change it. Every need I have is completely met by the iPhone, so I would absolutely not want to have the chore of replacing a kernel, and again by doing so void my warranty.
'Can you modify the processor's voltage and frequency automatically to save battery life when you're not using it and crank up the speed when you are?'
You can enable and disable various features which can extend battery life, but since battery life is never an issue with a properly designed device (already fixed iPhone 4S issues aside), I never have a need to make my phone perform worse just to make it last longer. Slowing down the processor on an Android phone is ridiculous anyway since they are so laggy by default, whereas the iPhone 4S interface is properly hardware accelerated. You may as well just buy a Nokia 8210 if you're going to dial down the power to an unusable level. And all the time you spend faffing about with that? I'm SERIOUSLY happy I've never had such an anal problem to have to deal with.
'Can it play Flash?'
Yes, of course. Simply download Skyfire. I know that may not be the 5 hour exercise you seem to want to get any kind of usability out of your phone, but hey, it works. As it happens I don't use any websites which use flash since it's a pretty much obsolete platform anyway, which absolutely destroys battery life - I most definitely wouldn't want to use it on my phone, particularly on one as inefficient as Android.
What saddens me most is that people like you speak about the 'ecosystem' which you dislike, but you really don't have a clue what it actually means. There is not a single useful thing which can't be done with an iPhone that you can do with a typical Android phone, it's only for people who have some kind of money issues or some need to try and find an alternative to the popular (common sense) purchase. Or, for people who are so insecure they define themselves on being 'techy' and mistake ease-of-use with lack of capability. Android as a whole is solely increasing due to there being so many manufacturers, selling at much, much lower profit margins - no individual handset outsells the iPhone - and that say a lot. Being 'closed' is a nonsense since the source code to the previous version of Android was never released. And by the way, the reason it is 'open source' is purely because it infringes on so many copyrights, hardly commendable. Similarly, the reason other manufacturers use it is purely because it's less expensive than developing their own.
And besides, despite your long rant, the iPhone doesn't have to be the best to make my point valid. It simply has to be of interest to tech heads. Finally - no tech head is so naive and pathetic to be so misguided as to what they can and can't do on an iPhone - it's amazing how many kids still think you need iTunes.